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So I took a critical look at myself (see previous post). This is very un pro. But if you don’t like it , tough. This is my blog.


I once read that a person should do one thing everyday that scares him. It’s good for the heart. Being absurd is scary. I can explain the universe with a pencil, paper and good ol’ logic. (okay. Many pencils , a lot of paper and logic) There comes a time in life when each individual suddenly realises that ,logically, illogic exists. I blogged about love and how it is a logical emotion based on chemicals in the brain that exist for human survival. I also disproved true blue fairytale love at first sight in numerous conversations. Truth is: I don’t believe half the crap I write or even say. The previous sentence was preceded by a drum role and succeeded by fanfare and confetti. All the unknowns and known unknowns of the universe need to exist. We need it to exist. I human needs to justify emotions with some irrational, illogical explanation. And at the end of the day when all is said and done we are left with thoughts of our silly, illogical actions and we lie in bed and dream illogical dreams and make up stories that are beautiful and sad and absurd. This is part of human development. Evolution ( a logical concept) is based on survival. For humans that should be illogical. We fight to survive. A long hard journey filled with a whirlwind of emotions of which fear and anger are predominant in the fight for survival. This is a miserable situation. It would be easier not to do it at all. And still we fight and evolve because of the things in life that make us happy. We trade a lifetime of hard work for moments of bliss. And we evolve. Logically if a = b and b = c then a = c. Evolution is based on happiness. At least human evolution.

I argued that love is an animalistic instinct, chemical reactions in the brain, a product of evolution to insure human survival. This might be true. Then we also have to consider that humanity has evolved beyond the necessity to populate. Our tribe is strong and will survive without me having to make humanlings. And yet man has this burning desire to make its mark on the world, gain its fifteen minutes of fame and leave behind offspring that will remember it. This is illogical and thus not evolution. A=d , b=c then a does not equal c.

Soul block,assess, amend.

So I found myself standing in front of this huge wall and shouting “ Hey ! What the hell ? “ and it said “…” .




“Being ignored is your own fault. You can never blame the ignoree obviously because you are being ignored and that for a reason. Mostly because you lack the sufficient score on an awesome scale. Personal best is a 10 on an awesome scale of 50k. This may sound like self pity but it is actually self defence. Self defence I have been working on all my life. Simple really. In conversation my goal is to sound like I have a low self esteem and barely if any talent. The effect is when I accomplish something I am praised and shine like a star that I have always dreamt of becoming. If not. A pat on the back and a hearty “ Never give up” . This had some unforeseen consequences. I played my part to well. I used to be daring. Powerful. Provocative. Now being cautious is a second nature. Even when I know there is nothing that can possibly be a threat. Now for instance I am typing using MS Word instead of using the very capable built in word editor of the site. Not that its unsafe but because I’m not sure if I’m going to post. Even after assurance from fellow bloggers. “Just post. Even if you think it sucks.” This only proves that blogging is therapeutic in two ways. Sharing thoughts and ideas normally held inside and overcoming that fear of doing something. Taking that first step. The leap of faith. I am sure that readers have enough common sense to ignore the bs and that somewhere in the heap of crap I write there might be a gem or two worth reading. The only thing this doubt and cautious nature has gained me is a stable boring life. An unintended gift for being ignored. “

That was what I was going to write this morning but I started annoying myself. So I am rethinking my entire post. This requires quite a lot of personality change. I talent I am proud to possess.

Stay tuned.

Love (optional)

The popular topic for the weekend. There is nothing that quite says love than a reception on a lawn the size a rugby field , being served oysters , martinis, champagne and other poor stomache* teasing delicacies. When someone in your family gets married a person is most likely to think of his/her future and/or possible love interests and will soon enough be disappointed by the lack therof. There are, afterall, a lot of family at family weddings. Then there is the fact that love is deniable. Little evidence shows it really exist. Even if it does exist then it is very hard to distinguish between love and lust. If one person loves a person and that person loves another then there is a significant problem. Lust is easy. You don't need anyone specific for lust. But when are you in love? There is a remote possibility that I haven't ever experienced love. I am usually very reluctant to tell someone I love them and use the term lightly. Perhaps I pronounced it love but really said lurv**. Perhaps love is a word created to calm the mass? Perhaps it is a chemical reaction in our brains in a desperate act for survival. Perhaps the world needs to stop looking at it in black and white. Maybe its not that easily definable. Somewhere some person decided that a man must love a woman. Any exception to the rule is frowned upon. It is also possible to be in a relationship without love.

If love exists and has the characteristcs describe through the ages then I love everyone. I am very excited when I talk to anyone. My heart starts racing at every compliment. I have trouble keeping eye contact with anyone. A lot of people fill my mind day and night. Effectively I am cheating on all of you with everyone else. I suppose that this is frowned upon. But am I wrong? Mathematical logic. If I start dating someone I can't love them more than I have before I started dating them and there are a lot of people I haven't dated yet. This means that I love everyone in advance. This also means that a relationship can only start if the other person is interested in me. That explains a lot. ***

There is also a possibility that I am completely wrong. Perhaps "love" is a sequence of rituals. The act of meeting followed by meeting regularly then admittance then ceremony and finally promise. Acquaintance, conference, correspond, betrove. If any of the rituals are performed incorrectly they are either restarted or forsaken. Perhaps the reason some relationship work is because that participants are unenthusiastic about restarting the relationship either for fear or laziness. In short. Love is nothing more than a player playing by the rules governed by society. It happens because that is whats supposed to happen.

I am even willing to entertain the theory that love is some magical universal power to which we are susceptible. Then it is just as easy to imagine that it can wither and disappear in time. Or not appear often at all. If this faerie tale approuch is taken then be warned. You are also admitting that it might never happen to you. You may be destined to die alone. That is magic's flaw. If it does exist , it doesn't exist for everyone.
And who are we to deny destiny  ?

*Finance induced appetite.
** A combinantion of lust and love. Usually more lusty.
***I have a habit of kissing the first person that shows interest and also of being single for a long time.

Tequila Samba

Just something ...

At last the time has come. He relaxed his shoulders and thought fully allowed the wind to caress his long unkempt hair. He was staring at the beauty of the night sky. A single cloud or two hiding some parts hinting to pleasures unknown to him. He picked up his guitar , his instrument that he would use to dance with the night sky. Unconsciously he let his fingers explore the varnished body and taught stings. Like silk on a beautiful body. His heart was pounding. This was his night. In that instant the whole universe belonged to him. He savored this time. His days labour was part of the setup for the night. He had a promised himself this little time of bliss as a reward for his hard work. He was yanked back into reality by a co musician. He nodded to indicate his readiness and started a playful light hearted tune on his guitar. The crowd fell slightly silent and showed there interest to this new development in the seemingly perfect atmosphere. He watched them carefully. He was no expert but at the least his guitar had a mind of its and it left him free to watch the crowd. As the rest of the band joined his joyful tune the crowd turned back to their previous conversations. The music was as soothing and intoxicating as always. As mellow as a good wine. He watched and listened as the crowd settled and unsettled with every new song. Applauding to each and forgetting to listen once it was in a full swing. He didn’t mind it at all. He knew that they would be there in the end of another day . Different faces or features but they always returned.


Then something happened. He suddenly felt his heart beat stronger in his chest. A definite pounding that raised his alarm. It felt as if it was crawling up his chest , made it harder to breath. Was it something he had heard or saw? In a panic he sought the object of his distress. There in the crowd he saw her eyes again. Staring straight through his. The power of her eyes stole his breath. He could not think. He couldn’t even blink. The ability to steal away the attention of his conscious and subconscious thought indicated the end of the song. A little startled but not at all surprised the rest of the band ended their piece. He had to act quickly. With all the will he had left in him he grasped at anything in his mind to break her power. He used his guitar and let his sole guide his hands once again but he did not stare at the crowd anymore. Feigning a complex piece he stared down at the strings. He used the rhythm of his heart guide the music. As if the rest of the band could hear his heart , they all joined in. If he had looked at the crowd he would have noticed that they fell silent once more and had turned their attention to the front. He didn’t need to concentrate on the piece but he was afraid to look up into those gorgeous eyes again. Bright blue lances driving your head back. He could not take that chance. He shuffled his feet uncomfortably like an idiot. He feigned a smile like an idiot. He bobbed his head slightly to his own music like an idiot. He was being an idiot. A sudden conviction returned his will. This was his night and his universe and he’d be damned if some she devil was going to deny him this. The he looked up. He was conscious once more of his heart pounding in his chest. The threat was now obvious. She had moved from the shadows of the forest of people into the clearing in front of the stage. Alone as if sharing his space in the private of his universe. She was no stranger to the music and had picked up the beat as soon as she had arrived. (presumingly from his beating heart). Her almost perfect body was covered by an almost pitch black dress allowing his imagination to discover its own path from her neck to her ankles. She moved as graceful as his soul could play. His mind automatically started to compare her with the night sky filled with stars. She was invading his universe at an alarming rate. He had no defense against her eyes and he could not break away his stare from her body. She was a goddess. A siren who had caught him in her spell. He could feel his humanity being sucked away and he could not stop it. He didn’t want to stop it. That thought was what caused him to panic. All his shortcomings jerked him down to earth with a violent jolt. How could a goddess even look at him? He met with her eyes again. It expected him to not stop. It wanted him to play. To play his guitar with more than he had ever played. He controlled her with this instrument. This was her body in his hands and he knew what to do. He started to play with his whole soul conducting his fingers running through her hair. His other hand firmly holding her in the small of her back. He stared into her eyes and with it whispered “ Are you ready?”. He would have thought it was a dream but she acknowledged with a small cheeky smile. He replied with his own. He started the tango. He body as graceful and beautiful as a goddess. He knew he was now dancing the tango with her soul. Controlling her body with his hands guided by his thoughts. He made her dance. If there were a crowed in their universe they would fell silent and focused all their attention on them. If there were a band they would have either fell silent or played their own supportive music. As it were they were alone and he used his hands to explore her body. The fear had turned to ecstasy. He could not imagine a universe without her. She had totally dominated his mind but in turn he was in total control of her body. Running his hand up her back supporting her as she bent over backwards. His other hand running down her front. At last going back to her neck and pulling her face close to his. So close to her eyes he could not control himself anymore. Neither could she. He breathed in her scent and it made her falter. She could not resist his touch just as he could not live without essence in his lungs. The universe exploded as they started kissing. The crowd’s applause had never had as much life as it had tonight. They never had a show as they had tonight. She turned on stage to bow and turned back to him. Her eyes beautiful still , gave him back his soul but kept a fine fragment. She gave him another cheeky smile and disappeared into the crowd.